The ultimate non-cooking cooking guide

Coming to Stuttgart has definitely taught me how to feed myself. I cooked with the Singaporean boys the first couple of weeks then proceeded to just cook on own because they live 8 blocks away and when winter comes I'm not gonna run there and back for meals in the freezing cold.

This meant that after 2 weeks, I had to actually learn how to cook.

So the guys don’t really cook back home either, and for that 2 weeks, we were trying our best to cook. Though I personally was employing different tactics to try to cook by not cooking. 

So, although I am now currently on my way to being true chef and no longer need these tactics anymore, they were very useful for my survival during those 2 weeks, so I am going to kindly share them with you, and hopefully help a sad hungry soul out there earn (or non-earn) a happy tummy. Let’s go.


1)   Never cook alone.

This is the very first step that allows the rest of the steps to fall together in place. Always make sure you are cooking with somebody, so that if any disaster strikes, you never have to bear full responsibility for it. For instance,

Note how all personal pronouns used are shared and plural, and also how everything ends up in the guilt-free act of “laughing it off”.


2)   Ask if anyone needs help.

Never take charge. Immediately exalt everyone else into leadership by asking what you can do. All responsibility disappears from your hands like sand through your fingers. And since most people like to be in a position of authority, you have created a win-win situation. This is also to ensure that you always have something to do around the kitchen be it cutting some veggies, or cracking some eggs, or pouring some oil into the soup.

Being the delegated, you have no true responsibility over anything that goes wrong.

 

3)   Volunteer to taste the food.

Make the valiant sacrifice.


4)   Act like you want to do the dangerous things, like carry that heavy pot of rice off the stove.

Keywords are ‘act like’, because we all know that you are going to drop that pot of rice on the floor and lose your dinner AND your friends faster than you can say sorry. So offer to do it, but ultimately let your uncertainty shine through like diamonds so that you will eventually be asked to be taken over.

 

5)   WASH THE DISHES.

This is an essential skill for the non-cook who wants to cook, and also the most important step. If you do not fulfill this, nobody is going to want to cook with you again, rendering step 1 forever obsolete and henceforth the entire guide useless, and you can count on eating takeaways and raw ham the rest of your time in the hostel.


I hope this guide has been useful. Actually I'm pretty sure it is but if you disagree you should probably just learn how to cook and not blame me.